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Ontopic Discussion => Ex-scientologists and Freezoners => Topic started by: Ididntcomeback on February 08, 2012, 06:06:00 PM

Title: Sallydance posts her story on ESMB
Post by: Ididntcomeback on February 08, 2012, 06:06:00 PM
                            Sallydannce's Story

"I have experience of what deep trauma does and the chaotic overload it creates (PTSD).

I was not diagnosed with PTSD (fear of medical/mental health establishment prevented me from seeking help when it hit me). I have since read up on PTSD and recognised what happened to me. My unceremoniously dumping Hubbard’s ideas out of my life and another major life event hit me a few months apart & threw me into a traumatised state.

I would have these pure chaotic episodes in my brain. I could feel them. Hard to describe – like a raging storm in my head. It was like things had collapsed in my brain. Or put simply – I was a total mess. Anyone who dismisses the impact of trauma ain’t lived through it. It is very real stuff. It feels like you have been hit right off the playing field of life. Everything gets very hazy and nothing is defined. I literally could not do my daily cross-word (a habit of many years), or at times, recognise my own face in the mirror.

In my view it is a culture clash (as you describe above) – an overwhelming contrast which induces great fear/terror - and also a triggering event(s) which is way outside of the persons level of experience. Also deeply lodged emotional pain that has not been addressed gets triggered (stirred up) by this extreme life event(s).

It seems to me that what traumatises one person, may just bounce off another. I explored why I became traumatised when others in similar circumstances were not impacted the way I was.

What I discovered, (for me – this ain’t no science project) was that it was patterns – emotional, intellectual, social conditioning, etc, and deeply lodged neuron pathways (under-developed, faulty, lacking totally, etc) which provided me with automatic responses – data files, if you will, automatically responding to situations, emotions, etc. When they all got over-loaded, assaulted, and shuffled around too fast my brain said “fuck this! Enough! I am throwing all the switches to protect myself – and you.”

I have worked with a therapist on this stuff. Eventually I could no longer deal with things on my own and with some loving intervention from some friends, I conceded I might explore getting some professional help. The ex-scio girl nervously entered the therapist’s office and announced “there is something you need to know about me. I don’t think I believe in your theories. I’m only here because I have run right out of bright ideas…and I have my back to the wall like I never knew could happen. I may run out the door any minute.” The dear therapist probably had that thought that all therapists possibly have from time to time “Damn! Someone tell me why I chose to become a therapist?”

With her loving support I got past my phobia about therapists…first phobic dealt with. And there were a bunch more to come as I progressed.

With good guidance & lots of re-education I began the hard work. I worked on the brain pathways – very gently and in a very loving supportive environment. The “new” pathways I have gently opened take time to become “habit”, and to make them stronger. I never thought I would say this, but I can actually feel the changes in a tangible way. The connection between brain and emotions and behaviour has become very real to me.

When I felt a chaotic “brain-storm” hit (I learnt how to detect the sensations and notice the changes in my body) I would use gentle soothing messages to calm things down.

Slowly, week by week, there was a noticeable change. The chaotic episodes weakened and lessened and eventually went completely. The lodged trauma dislodged and together with the support of my wise & empowering therapist, worked through.

I am re-programming my brain, my responses, my emotions and my sense of myself. The pathways I had since childhood were addressed – getting to these was hard work but was done very gently. This ain’t no “2x intensives to EP” stuff. The work has gotten faster and deeper and more powerful in the past few weeks. It seems to be like any muscle - stronger and easier to use the more it is exercised.

There was another aspect to this for me – spiritual. I work with a therapist who works with both knowledge about neuron pathways and spirituality. I use a mix of science and ancient techniques (in particular Buddhism and Taoism). For me this works in a harmonious way. It was key for to have my spirituality “issues” addressed - the installed thought system of scientology was colliding heavily for me with everything else I was struggling with.

It has been big work. Ultimately, for me, it has come down to identity. The formation of pathways and subsequent behaviour/responses which the person uses to identify themselves with and their world.

I hope this makes sense. I am struggling a little here to write about this. It is a very personal journey I have been on. This is the first time I have attempted to describe this. So please forgive me if it reads in a clumsy way."

Title: Re: Sallydance posts her story on ESMB
Post by: Ididntcomeback on March 20, 2012, 11:54:35 PM
   Excerpt from  Sallydannce`s story  on ESMB

                           "Inside New Zealand: How to Spot a Cult (part one)

    [My apologies for not writing here for over a week. I continue to go through changes as I write this story. Pieces of the puzzle keep falling into place and sometimes I just need silence and solitude to integrate stuff.]

    The documentary aired on TV3 in New Zealand late 2009.

    The day the first part of the documentary was due to air I was a mess. I felt so totally vulnerable! I am not someone who seeks attention unless I am well within my comfort zone. I was way out of my comfort zone being on TV. I am a very solitary person – I write for God’s sake! It is part of my nature! Put me a tree-house, alone, or in a library, with pen and paper, and I am at my very best! Put me on TV and I just ain’t comfortable!

    I spent the day with another ex-scientologist. She was beyond amazing! A group of friends had organised for me to have supportive people around me. I was surrounded by kind and loving people. Food would appear before me – nourishing healthy food. I received loads of phone calls from people who could not be with me – offering me love and support. I had tears in my eyes most of the day – often with a powerful feeling of gratitude for the wonderful people I had in my life. They put a warm loving bubble around me and protected me.

    My therapist, Susan, phoned me late afternoon to see how I was doing. We talked for a short time. It was so calming to hear her voice. She was acutely aware of what it meant for me to stand up against the cult and say my bit. She’d had no influence over my decision to be in the documentary. Not her style. The only “advice” she offered was to say to me, “ask yourself if you are ready to take this step. Listen to yourself for the best answer. Trust yourself”. Susan was nothing but empowering all the way!

    As the evening of the screening approached, I needed to be alone. I went and sat under a big old tree. I leaned against its sturdy trunk and let the tears flow and gave myself a pep talk.

    How had it come to this? It was a huge step for me to “go public”. There are very few times I allow myself to indulge in immodesty – because there is always someone else who can rightfully claim to have more mastery, more guts, than I will ever possess - but I stand before you and say:

    I had to dig deep and find courage to do this documentary. I knew it was going to change many things, on many levels. Once you set something free out into the world, your story - part of your story - you lose control. It is no longer within your jurisdiction. Out your face on national TV and you lose, to some degree, anonymity.

    I had no control over the editing of the documentary, I had no control over what the viewer might feel or interpret. I could not predict how I might feel after the documentary was aired.

    There was no taking it back, shoving it back in the can and changing my mind. That evening it was going to beam into the homes of NZ.

    I was way out on the edge of my capabilities to manage how that was making me feel. Doubts? Did I have doubts that day? Oh yeah! I had faith in the documentary makers. These guys were exemplary documentary makers. They helped restore my faith in the world. Thank you Gary, Dan, et al. I will grow old holding you all very tenderly in my heart.

    I had faith that the legal aspects had being covered. My lawyer was as smart as smart gets.

    My doubts lay with myself and my fledgling identity and – at times - teenager-like sense of myself. I had doubts about my own emotional strength to deal with whatever might arise from appearing in the documentary.

    My doubts - my fears – were also about the psychotic cult and its Hubbard-inspired crazy behavior towards anyone who dares to speak out about the internal workings of the cult. The cult is so vicious.

    And so as I leaned against the sturdy old tree, I looked up into the sky and took a deep breath.

    I was just one woman leaning against a tree about to speak out against a crazy cult. Cringing all the way, I swallowed the bitter taste of feeling so vulnerable and dragged myself back into my friends lovely welcoming home.

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