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Author Topic: There's no place like home... by abysmalbathos  (Read 978 times)
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« on: January 26, 2009, 09:42:18 AM »

In the Church of Ziontology, the state of Ovulating Zetan (OZ) is a
spiritual state above Void. Our illustrious leader X. Con Buzzard, the
founder of Ziontology and Trianetics, defined the state of OZ as "a
sort of believing in yourself that you think that just maybe you might
have a wee little bit of that so called thing I go on about now and
then that I vaguely describe at some length as some kind of so called
'cause' over stuff like 'space, time, energy, and matter' and so on".
Or whatever. But as a Ziontologist, because ?The Buzz? said it, it?s a
fact. And because ?The Buzz? said it, it becomes a contractual
obligation that you believe in all of that abstract nonsense with
every fiber of your being for several billion years! And that can be
just so incredibly liberating! You have to try it to experience it.
It?s basically like wishful positive thinking but kind of like
combined with a cocktail of steroids, amphetamines, mescaline and then
some. Well, let me tell you that the state of OZ is really, really,
really real! And it's worth every penny it costs to get you there!
It?s the biggest win ever! At least it is for the Church of
Ziontology. And it?s just so fun and easy to believe in it that its
just, just, well? you know? just unbelievable!

So how do you get to OZ? I thought you would never ask, Dorothy! Nope,
it?s not Down Under, and nope, it?s definitely not in Kansas, at least
not anymore! Actually, according to that lovable old Wizard we
affectionately call the Buzzard of OZ (you know, the guy who looks and
acts a lot like Benny Hill), you just follow the Jell-O brick road.
Actually, make that Jell-O Vodka Shot bricks, since that?s what Old
Buzz always liked in the mornings. Sounds interesting?  Well, for a
modest amount of money, you can take eight courses with us in the
following sequence:

OZ I: - A timid initial step towards the Bridge to Total Freedom
OZ II: - A frightened jump back away from the Bridge to Total Freedom
OZ III: - Penetrating the Wall of Liars that surrounds impenetrable
whole track mystery
OZ IV: - The Ovulating Zetan Drug Deal shakedown
OZ V: - The New Error Trianetics for Ovulation Zetans
OZ VI: - Squeezing out the pustulates
OZ VII: - Ethic Cleansing
OZ VIII: - Truth Repealed

And when you finish that last course, you finally get it! The "OZ
VIII: Truth Repealed" course is a Zoloft-audited level that finally
addresses the painful credulity of believing in the whole track thing,
and all those levels and other stuff Buzz rambled on about. It also
lets one finally see and appreciate the absurdity of one?s own
miserable flat broke existence. This brings you to the first actual
real true genuine OZ level. There, you finally realize that the great
and powerful wizard is a fraud, and you find he is just an ordinary
little old obese twit named X. Con Buzzard, hiding behind the curtain.
And it brings about a complete and total loss of your rationality and
cognitive abilities that finally opens up your path onto the Bridge to
Total Freedom. At that point, finally delivers, and you might hear
yourself muttering "There's no place like home. There's no place like
home. There's no place like home."
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